Secrets, another persons blog, Rachel from season 4 of friends

I was reading this other blog and this is what it said:

here, do this. make a list of the truly awful stuff about yourself and post them in the comment section. go on, get naked. i dare you. cheap trick, by the way, daring. childrens' games. all this goading. i really like you right now.

So I tougth about doing it. I really did, and I probably would have it I had not known the author of the blog. I dont know him very well either.
That got me thinking, if I was too scared to open up on his blog, how could I expect myself to open up to someone I do know really well?

How do I truly tell myself things about me, the person I really know the best?
Do I lie constantly to myself as I do (as we all do) in real life?

His blog is so much more broken up and less block like than my first few entries. It has a certain feel to it and I cant stop myself from thinking when I read it. Hopefully my blog will evolve into a thought provocker down the line but right now I am still a student, willing to learn and trying to improve along the way. I want my blog to be "more like his" but I still want it to be completely my own at the same time. I doubt I will ever be able to achieve both.


I go back to school this week. I know I will be hoping to walk past D and I will think about it constantly as if she was some type of infection I had just caught. Then if I do bump into her, I'll probably be too shy to say anything of importance anyway.

I remember being asked to write down a secret, something I wouldnt ever want anyone to know. I thought of lots of different things I probably wouldnt want people to know, and one strongly came to mind but never made the paper. Instead I found myslef once again thinking of something that could be a secret in some ways, that I wouldnt want everyone to know but it wasnt the strongest secret of them all. Not by far.
I had at least a half dozen others I could have written down and would never have wanted to say. We were told that no one was ever going to see the stuff we had written down, which turned out to be true, but I was still too nervous/scared to write the most secret secret down. I think back on it now and I remember when I offered to read mine out loud. Even then I wondered whether I should say what I had written or be brutally honest. I had about 20 seconds to think about it and my stomach was turning just at the thought of revealing the most inner secret... of revelaing any secret. I am not sure even now which I would consider to be my most deepest inner private secret.
I ended up saying what I had written down on the paper. The half truthful secret. I felt cheated in some sense. I was given an opportunity to reveal something about myself and probably not been over judged for it either (if the others had done what he told us to do) I couldnt and I let myself down. I told myself later that I did it because the other secret I was going to say would reveal someone else. Not reveal them in a bad way, or criminal way, but it would cause them to be a part of something actually innocent. Okay - I cant explain it very well so I will try again. I didnt want to say I had a crush on her because I didnt know how this would affect her. Maybe she would be superly embarresed, and I didnt want her to hate me for it so I never told them that. Did I do it for her... or for myself?


I think I do lie to myself, to make it better. For if I didn't lie about anything I don't know if I would want to think about anything at all.

He inspires so many thoughts... I just want to write them all down in vain like he says and expose myself to the world. I truly think I do, yet I dont know whether it is more for me as a show of vanity or not?
I want to believe that it is not vanity which gets me to writing, but if not vanity then what?

I enjoy my life online. In some ways it allows me to express who I wish I was. I can mold myself into some type of virtual person of my own want. So why then do so many people act like such dumbasses online?
The online community should be a world of wonderful people shouldn't it? If you can pretend to be whoever you want, why be some obnoxious moron? Thats just plain stupidity.


I watched the whole of season 4 of friends this weekend (in one shot too) I realized how much I hate Rachel's character. I sided with Ross about the whole cheating part. Is this because I am a male or not? When Chandler had the same thing happen to him (his girlfriend slept with an actor she was working with) I didn't feel too sorry for Chandler. I don't know if it is the characters or the situation I felt pity for but in the end I began to really hate Rachel for all she was doing. She never seemed to take anyone elses emotions into account and purely did everything for her own benefit.
Even still, I want to live a friends type life. The comedy and pure happiness (when they are happy) is most appealing. Which character would I want to be after watching season 3 & 4? (I have watched the whole of 1 & 2 but no as recently) I think if I could pick one character to live my life as I think it would be Ross. He seems to love what he is doing, has great friends and a good life overall even if he does have a love for Rachel that haunts him. I have a love that haunts me too... just no where near as much as his does. I sometimes wonder what my life would look like as a sitcom. Have you ever wandered that? Would it be interesting enough or just plain sad? I know I wouldnt have as much comedy as one finds in Friends. No Chandler around to make wise cracks, no Joey to act strangely stupid yet loyal and no "out there" Phoebe either. No Ross, no Rachle and no Monica. My life is nothing like the life of Friends... yet still, there is something about my life that I believe is worthy of video.
There is also a life I dream of having which is a lot like the life of Friends. Downtown apartment, close knit group of friends hanging out at a coffee shop, just living life. My dream life is not all that super.
It would be better if I lived by the beach. I love the beach, more so now than I did growing up when the beach was closer which is probably part of its allure now. But If I could live by the beach, with a coffee shop and a clsoe knit group of friends, that would be my dream.

I eat meat. The blog I mentioned earlier, the author is vegan. You can see through his writings how much he believes in what he does and what he gives up to be a vegan. I admire that. Its not that I disagree with him, I too believe that it is wrong to slaughter animals the way we do (perhaps anyway actually though I have not thought about it too much - though there is no real way of killing another animal kindly) yet I still eat meat, and dairy products etc. I dont think I would ever become a vegan fully. Perhaps a vegetarian, but never a vegan. Too much sacrifice. So much to constantly worry about. I eat meat, but I dont eat it for hate of animals. I would actually prefer it if I never had to think about where the meat came from. As if it had jsut magically appeared for me to consume. I know that its wrong the way many of the cows and other animals die. The anul electricution and skinning is dreadful, but I never wished this upon the animals. I just hate the fact that my eating meat makes it seem like I consent those actions because I dont.