Blogging - the reasons to blog and why I am doing it. Friends, the real ones, the show and room mates.
Inspiration.
Thats what got me started on this blog. I dont know who exactly - or what - but I was inspired to start a blog of my own. I guess that it is really a combination of many little inspirations. One of them being a professor and another being - as often times happens for a guy - a girl we shall call D.
Then I suppose you could also say other things such as life, love, hate, wanting to express myself and such, is what inspired me too. Now I am not too sure where I am going to go with this whole blog experience, it could be a disaster. However, I am willing to give it a shot because it looks as though it can be an interesting thing. I will try to write often (for as long as I can and feel inspired I guess) and I will also try and be open about feelings thoughts and happenings which is one of the reasons I kept my name anonymous to an extent. All other names in this blog will likely be changeds too, partly for me and partly for the people who it is about. I know that I would most likely not want to have my name splattered all over someone else's blog.
So I decided to take a look at how what I had just written would turn out as a blog, and then pressed the wrong button to get back. Almost lost all the stuff I wrote but luckily I have a smart computer... it saved my blog (thanks computer)
I hate my mouse. Stupid thing has 5 buttons. 3 like the regular mice computers come with these days, and the scroll button that has proved most helpful. But then mine has two "extra" buttons on the sides of it. One one the left to go back and one on the right to go forward. The problem is that these buttons are so sensitive and get pressed all the time. This has led to many occasions of me losing information and plenty of re-writing that has driven me insane. I hate my mouse, though I am too lazy to bother getting a new one. I actually own another, regular type, but its not optical and has a ball instead of the red optic beam thing, so I dont use it.
D has written a few posts in another blog of her own. Her language skills are far superior to mine. I have a huge crush on her. Both her language skills and her in general. Though, unfortunately, I have never been able to pluck up the courage to tell her this. Oh no, no, no! I hate it... not having courage like that. It seems to me that women like men who have courage, not the ones who are shy and scared. Though sometimes they say that being shy is "cute" I still dont think that they would ever really want to go out with a shy person.
I used to look forward to the class that D and I would have together. Only one class, twice a week, last semester, but it was the highlight of my pitiful life. I would think about it for hours at a time. Try to come up with ways of starting a conversation and such. Stupid things too, but ice breakers nonetheless. She never had a problem with that - or at least not from what I could tell anyway. Often she would breezily just chat. I hated it... not being able to do the same. She welcomed me back once. I had been away for a few classes, four I think. When I returned, it was later than usual when I got into class, because I usually tried to get there early, just incase she would be there already. But I was walking to my desk at the back of the classroom and as I walked past her she looked up and smiled as she sadi welcome back. I thanked her and continued back to my desk where I would sit and mull over in my head all types of things I should have said better than a simple thank you. For days afterwards I would daydream to myself about the fact that she noticed I was gone and that she welcomed me back. I fooled myself into believing she may have had a crush on me too. She might well have, I can't say though because I was too chicken to ever find out. There are at least 2 distinct times I think she may have wanted me to talk to her in a manner more than I had. One was close to the beginning of the semester, the other, the last day of class. Both haunt me now. Tauntingly making fun of my shyness and inadequacies. I hate myself for that. No, not in any psycho slit my wrist kind of ways. I have never thoguht about doing that. Even though at times I can't stand myself, I realize that being alive is and always will be better.
I sometimes wonder what the point is though. I mean, why live? But I am not worried about that now. This is just an entry post, something to make my page not look so blank, and I hope my posts will improve over time.
My goals for the blog:
1. To discuss the days events
2. Write about feelings
3. Explore myself - both good and bad
That is what I think I want it to be. Just... well, I feel a need to give a background to the blog, so that is what the first post is I guess. The next few will probably be a little of the same too with the other stuff put in as well.
One of my friends got a job recently. He hates it, but he hates everthing. I get so frustrated with him sometimes. I don't know. He is still my friend, dont get me wrong, its jsut that he isn't exactly who I would pick to be my best friend I dont think. There are times when we can go out and have a great time. But he doesn't like to go to clubs, he cant stand loud music, doesnt drink, is superly suspicious and cautious of almost everything. He wont even buy porn using his credit card because he is scared the government will find out or something ridiculous. My old friend (before I moved) was so much more like me, well maybe not like me, but we had a better connection. This new one, lets call him "E" seing as "D" is getting used by the girl, and we'll call my old friend "C" to keep it close. Well, "E" is jsut too damn goodie tooshoes.. to use a cliche. I hate that! I need to be able to go out and have some fun. Break free once in a while... not like crazy mad man or anyting its jsut that I never feel like I am able to express my true wants around him. I tell him most of my secrets and stuff, but so much I keep to myself. So much I keep from everyone. I live three completely different lives. The real one, the one I show to people and then even a third possibly... one I wish I had.
I want a Friends life. You know like the TV show Friends with Ross and Rachel and Monica and Chandler and Joey and Phoebe. I love that show!! I just spent a lot of the past two days watching the whole of the third season. I could stop wishing my life was more like that. I need the trials and tribulations they have, the laughter and happiness, the friends who come over and you just hang out in the living room or kitchen living 30 minute episodes of a life together. I dont have it.
I need to move into an apartment downtown. Maybe that will help? I'll probably have to find all new friends, but sadly and selfishly I dont mind that. In fact I almost wish for it. When I come back from my trip ( I am taking a trip later this year) I think thats what I will do. I wonder if I should get a room mate? There are pro's and con's to having a room mate. I'll have to go through them later and see if the pro's out do the con's. At the moment I tend to side on the pro's of having a room mate as being a stronger arguement (and if Friends is any example, then I think a room mate will be great!)
Yeah, so I think this is enough for a first post. Hopefully over the next few I will be able to open up more and just blog in true blogger fashion.
Thats what got me started on this blog. I dont know who exactly - or what - but I was inspired to start a blog of my own. I guess that it is really a combination of many little inspirations. One of them being a professor and another being - as often times happens for a guy - a girl we shall call D.
Then I suppose you could also say other things such as life, love, hate, wanting to express myself and such, is what inspired me too. Now I am not too sure where I am going to go with this whole blog experience, it could be a disaster. However, I am willing to give it a shot because it looks as though it can be an interesting thing. I will try to write often (for as long as I can and feel inspired I guess) and I will also try and be open about feelings thoughts and happenings which is one of the reasons I kept my name anonymous to an extent. All other names in this blog will likely be changeds too, partly for me and partly for the people who it is about. I know that I would most likely not want to have my name splattered all over someone else's blog.
So I decided to take a look at how what I had just written would turn out as a blog, and then pressed the wrong button to get back. Almost lost all the stuff I wrote but luckily I have a smart computer... it saved my blog (thanks computer)
I hate my mouse. Stupid thing has 5 buttons. 3 like the regular mice computers come with these days, and the scroll button that has proved most helpful. But then mine has two "extra" buttons on the sides of it. One one the left to go back and one on the right to go forward. The problem is that these buttons are so sensitive and get pressed all the time. This has led to many occasions of me losing information and plenty of re-writing that has driven me insane. I hate my mouse, though I am too lazy to bother getting a new one. I actually own another, regular type, but its not optical and has a ball instead of the red optic beam thing, so I dont use it.
D has written a few posts in another blog of her own. Her language skills are far superior to mine. I have a huge crush on her. Both her language skills and her in general. Though, unfortunately, I have never been able to pluck up the courage to tell her this. Oh no, no, no! I hate it... not having courage like that. It seems to me that women like men who have courage, not the ones who are shy and scared. Though sometimes they say that being shy is "cute" I still dont think that they would ever really want to go out with a shy person.
I used to look forward to the class that D and I would have together. Only one class, twice a week, last semester, but it was the highlight of my pitiful life. I would think about it for hours at a time. Try to come up with ways of starting a conversation and such. Stupid things too, but ice breakers nonetheless. She never had a problem with that - or at least not from what I could tell anyway. Often she would breezily just chat. I hated it... not being able to do the same. She welcomed me back once. I had been away for a few classes, four I think. When I returned, it was later than usual when I got into class, because I usually tried to get there early, just incase she would be there already. But I was walking to my desk at the back of the classroom and as I walked past her she looked up and smiled as she sadi welcome back. I thanked her and continued back to my desk where I would sit and mull over in my head all types of things I should have said better than a simple thank you. For days afterwards I would daydream to myself about the fact that she noticed I was gone and that she welcomed me back. I fooled myself into believing she may have had a crush on me too. She might well have, I can't say though because I was too chicken to ever find out. There are at least 2 distinct times I think she may have wanted me to talk to her in a manner more than I had. One was close to the beginning of the semester, the other, the last day of class. Both haunt me now. Tauntingly making fun of my shyness and inadequacies. I hate myself for that. No, not in any psycho slit my wrist kind of ways. I have never thoguht about doing that. Even though at times I can't stand myself, I realize that being alive is and always will be better.
I sometimes wonder what the point is though. I mean, why live? But I am not worried about that now. This is just an entry post, something to make my page not look so blank, and I hope my posts will improve over time.
My goals for the blog:
1. To discuss the days events
2. Write about feelings
3. Explore myself - both good and bad
That is what I think I want it to be. Just... well, I feel a need to give a background to the blog, so that is what the first post is I guess. The next few will probably be a little of the same too with the other stuff put in as well.
One of my friends got a job recently. He hates it, but he hates everthing. I get so frustrated with him sometimes. I don't know. He is still my friend, dont get me wrong, its jsut that he isn't exactly who I would pick to be my best friend I dont think. There are times when we can go out and have a great time. But he doesn't like to go to clubs, he cant stand loud music, doesnt drink, is superly suspicious and cautious of almost everything. He wont even buy porn using his credit card because he is scared the government will find out or something ridiculous. My old friend (before I moved) was so much more like me, well maybe not like me, but we had a better connection. This new one, lets call him "E" seing as "D" is getting used by the girl, and we'll call my old friend "C" to keep it close. Well, "E" is jsut too damn goodie tooshoes.. to use a cliche. I hate that! I need to be able to go out and have some fun. Break free once in a while... not like crazy mad man or anyting its jsut that I never feel like I am able to express my true wants around him. I tell him most of my secrets and stuff, but so much I keep to myself. So much I keep from everyone. I live three completely different lives. The real one, the one I show to people and then even a third possibly... one I wish I had.
I want a Friends life. You know like the TV show Friends with Ross and Rachel and Monica and Chandler and Joey and Phoebe. I love that show!! I just spent a lot of the past two days watching the whole of the third season. I could stop wishing my life was more like that. I need the trials and tribulations they have, the laughter and happiness, the friends who come over and you just hang out in the living room or kitchen living 30 minute episodes of a life together. I dont have it.
I need to move into an apartment downtown. Maybe that will help? I'll probably have to find all new friends, but sadly and selfishly I dont mind that. In fact I almost wish for it. When I come back from my trip ( I am taking a trip later this year) I think thats what I will do. I wonder if I should get a room mate? There are pro's and con's to having a room mate. I'll have to go through them later and see if the pro's out do the con's. At the moment I tend to side on the pro's of having a room mate as being a stronger arguement (and if Friends is any example, then I think a room mate will be great!)
Yeah, so I think this is enough for a first post. Hopefully over the next few I will be able to open up more and just blog in true blogger fashion.
posted by Alzy | 1:34 AM
1 Comments:
Yah, 'E' doesn't sound much fun.
Interesting blog. Keep it up.
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