Leaving messages

Do you leave messages? When you call someone, and they don't answer. The dreaded variant of "leave your message after the beep."
I don't leave a message. Almost never have. Perhaps in times past I may have left them more often than now.
I don't really know why either. Leaving a message is in its essence quite simple. Except that you only have one chance, don't want to mess it up. Those awkward pauses, emphasized when leaving a message. They seem to drag on for much longer than they really do. In reality they're quite short, simple and non-threatening, but in the process of the actual message making they seem to last a lot longer.
Unlike normal conversation, when leaving a message, I am overly conscious of my flaws.

Too often I'd find myself rethinking the message I had just made. Thinking of how it could have been better.
These days, the days of caller ID, I no longer leave messages. I'll just wait for the call back.

Secrets, another persons blog, Rachel from season 4 of friends

I was reading this other blog and this is what it said:

here, do this. make a list of the truly awful stuff about yourself and post them in the comment section. go on, get naked. i dare you. cheap trick, by the way, daring. childrens' games. all this goading. i really like you right now.

So I tougth about doing it. I really did, and I probably would have it I had not known the author of the blog. I dont know him very well either.
That got me thinking, if I was too scared to open up on his blog, how could I expect myself to open up to someone I do know really well?

How do I truly tell myself things about me, the person I really know the best?
Do I lie constantly to myself as I do (as we all do) in real life?

His blog is so much more broken up and less block like than my first few entries. It has a certain feel to it and I cant stop myself from thinking when I read it. Hopefully my blog will evolve into a thought provocker down the line but right now I am still a student, willing to learn and trying to improve along the way. I want my blog to be "more like his" but I still want it to be completely my own at the same time. I doubt I will ever be able to achieve both.


I go back to school this week. I know I will be hoping to walk past D and I will think about it constantly as if she was some type of infection I had just caught. Then if I do bump into her, I'll probably be too shy to say anything of importance anyway.

I remember being asked to write down a secret, something I wouldnt ever want anyone to know. I thought of lots of different things I probably wouldnt want people to know, and one strongly came to mind but never made the paper. Instead I found myslef once again thinking of something that could be a secret in some ways, that I wouldnt want everyone to know but it wasnt the strongest secret of them all. Not by far.
I had at least a half dozen others I could have written down and would never have wanted to say. We were told that no one was ever going to see the stuff we had written down, which turned out to be true, but I was still too nervous/scared to write the most secret secret down. I think back on it now and I remember when I offered to read mine out loud. Even then I wondered whether I should say what I had written or be brutally honest. I had about 20 seconds to think about it and my stomach was turning just at the thought of revealing the most inner secret... of revelaing any secret. I am not sure even now which I would consider to be my most deepest inner private secret.
I ended up saying what I had written down on the paper. The half truthful secret. I felt cheated in some sense. I was given an opportunity to reveal something about myself and probably not been over judged for it either (if the others had done what he told us to do) I couldnt and I let myself down. I told myself later that I did it because the other secret I was going to say would reveal someone else. Not reveal them in a bad way, or criminal way, but it would cause them to be a part of something actually innocent. Okay - I cant explain it very well so I will try again. I didnt want to say I had a crush on her because I didnt know how this would affect her. Maybe she would be superly embarresed, and I didnt want her to hate me for it so I never told them that. Did I do it for her... or for myself?


I think I do lie to myself, to make it better. For if I didn't lie about anything I don't know if I would want to think about anything at all.

He inspires so many thoughts... I just want to write them all down in vain like he says and expose myself to the world. I truly think I do, yet I dont know whether it is more for me as a show of vanity or not?
I want to believe that it is not vanity which gets me to writing, but if not vanity then what?

I enjoy my life online. In some ways it allows me to express who I wish I was. I can mold myself into some type of virtual person of my own want. So why then do so many people act like such dumbasses online?
The online community should be a world of wonderful people shouldn't it? If you can pretend to be whoever you want, why be some obnoxious moron? Thats just plain stupidity.


I watched the whole of season 4 of friends this weekend (in one shot too) I realized how much I hate Rachel's character. I sided with Ross about the whole cheating part. Is this because I am a male or not? When Chandler had the same thing happen to him (his girlfriend slept with an actor she was working with) I didn't feel too sorry for Chandler. I don't know if it is the characters or the situation I felt pity for but in the end I began to really hate Rachel for all she was doing. She never seemed to take anyone elses emotions into account and purely did everything for her own benefit.
Even still, I want to live a friends type life. The comedy and pure happiness (when they are happy) is most appealing. Which character would I want to be after watching season 3 & 4? (I have watched the whole of 1 & 2 but no as recently) I think if I could pick one character to live my life as I think it would be Ross. He seems to love what he is doing, has great friends and a good life overall even if he does have a love for Rachel that haunts him. I have a love that haunts me too... just no where near as much as his does. I sometimes wonder what my life would look like as a sitcom. Have you ever wandered that? Would it be interesting enough or just plain sad? I know I wouldnt have as much comedy as one finds in Friends. No Chandler around to make wise cracks, no Joey to act strangely stupid yet loyal and no "out there" Phoebe either. No Ross, no Rachle and no Monica. My life is nothing like the life of Friends... yet still, there is something about my life that I believe is worthy of video.
There is also a life I dream of having which is a lot like the life of Friends. Downtown apartment, close knit group of friends hanging out at a coffee shop, just living life. My dream life is not all that super.
It would be better if I lived by the beach. I love the beach, more so now than I did growing up when the beach was closer which is probably part of its allure now. But If I could live by the beach, with a coffee shop and a clsoe knit group of friends, that would be my dream.

I eat meat. The blog I mentioned earlier, the author is vegan. You can see through his writings how much he believes in what he does and what he gives up to be a vegan. I admire that. Its not that I disagree with him, I too believe that it is wrong to slaughter animals the way we do (perhaps anyway actually though I have not thought about it too much - though there is no real way of killing another animal kindly) yet I still eat meat, and dairy products etc. I dont think I would ever become a vegan fully. Perhaps a vegetarian, but never a vegan. Too much sacrifice. So much to constantly worry about. I eat meat, but I dont eat it for hate of animals. I would actually prefer it if I never had to think about where the meat came from. As if it had jsut magically appeared for me to consume. I know that its wrong the way many of the cows and other animals die. The anul electricution and skinning is dreadful, but I never wished this upon the animals. I just hate the fact that my eating meat makes it seem like I consent those actions because I dont.

Blogging - the reasons to blog and why I am doing it. Friends, the real ones, the show and room mates.

Inspiration.
Thats what got me started on this blog. I dont know who exactly - or what - but I was inspired to start a blog of my own. I guess that it is really a combination of many little inspirations. One of them being a professor and another being - as often times happens for a guy - a girl we shall call D.
Then I suppose you could also say other things such as life, love, hate, wanting to express myself and such, is what inspired me too. Now I am not too sure where I am going to go with this whole blog experience, it could be a disaster. However, I am willing to give it a shot because it looks as though it can be an interesting thing. I will try to write often (for as long as I can and feel inspired I guess) and I will also try and be open about feelings thoughts and happenings which is one of the reasons I kept my name anonymous to an extent. All other names in this blog will likely be changeds too, partly for me and partly for the people who it is about. I know that I would most likely not want to have my name splattered all over someone else's blog.

So I decided to take a look at how what I had just written would turn out as a blog, and then pressed the wrong button to get back. Almost lost all the stuff I wrote but luckily I have a smart computer... it saved my blog (thanks computer)
I hate my mouse. Stupid thing has 5 buttons. 3 like the regular mice computers come with these days, and the scroll button that has proved most helpful. But then mine has two "extra" buttons on the sides of it. One one the left to go back and one on the right to go forward. The problem is that these buttons are so sensitive and get pressed all the time. This has led to many occasions of me losing information and plenty of re-writing that has driven me insane. I hate my mouse, though I am too lazy to bother getting a new one. I actually own another, regular type, but its not optical and has a ball instead of the red optic beam thing, so I dont use it.

D has written a few posts in another blog of her own. Her language skills are far superior to mine. I have a huge crush on her. Both her language skills and her in general. Though, unfortunately, I have never been able to pluck up the courage to tell her this. Oh no, no, no! I hate it... not having courage like that. It seems to me that women like men who have courage, not the ones who are shy and scared. Though sometimes they say that being shy is "cute" I still dont think that they would ever really want to go out with a shy person.

I used to look forward to the class that D and I would have together. Only one class, twice a week, last semester, but it was the highlight of my pitiful life. I would think about it for hours at a time. Try to come up with ways of starting a conversation and such. Stupid things too, but ice breakers nonetheless. She never had a problem with that - or at least not from what I could tell anyway. Often she would breezily just chat. I hated it... not being able to do the same. She welcomed me back once. I had been away for a few classes, four I think. When I returned, it was later than usual when I got into class, because I usually tried to get there early, just incase she would be there already. But I was walking to my desk at the back of the classroom and as I walked past her she looked up and smiled as she sadi welcome back. I thanked her and continued back to my desk where I would sit and mull over in my head all types of things I should have said better than a simple thank you. For days afterwards I would daydream to myself about the fact that she noticed I was gone and that she welcomed me back. I fooled myself into believing she may have had a crush on me too. She might well have, I can't say though because I was too chicken to ever find out. There are at least 2 distinct times I think she may have wanted me to talk to her in a manner more than I had. One was close to the beginning of the semester, the other, the last day of class. Both haunt me now. Tauntingly making fun of my shyness and inadequacies. I hate myself for that. No, not in any psycho slit my wrist kind of ways. I have never thoguht about doing that. Even though at times I can't stand myself, I realize that being alive is and always will be better.
I sometimes wonder what the point is though. I mean, why live? But I am not worried about that now. This is just an entry post, something to make my page not look so blank, and I hope my posts will improve over time.

My goals for the blog:
1. To discuss the days events
2. Write about feelings
3. Explore myself - both good and bad

That is what I think I want it to be. Just... well, I feel a need to give a background to the blog, so that is what the first post is I guess. The next few will probably be a little of the same too with the other stuff put in as well.


One of my friends got a job recently. He hates it, but he hates everthing. I get so frustrated with him sometimes. I don't know. He is still my friend, dont get me wrong, its jsut that he isn't exactly who I would pick to be my best friend I dont think. There are times when we can go out and have a great time. But he doesn't like to go to clubs, he cant stand loud music, doesnt drink, is superly suspicious and cautious of almost everything. He wont even buy porn using his credit card because he is scared the government will find out or something ridiculous. My old friend (before I moved) was so much more like me, well maybe not like me, but we had a better connection. This new one, lets call him "E" seing as "D" is getting used by the girl, and we'll call my old friend "C" to keep it close. Well, "E" is jsut too damn goodie tooshoes.. to use a cliche. I hate that! I need to be able to go out and have some fun. Break free once in a while... not like crazy mad man or anyting its jsut that I never feel like I am able to express my true wants around him. I tell him most of my secrets and stuff, but so much I keep to myself. So much I keep from everyone. I live three completely different lives. The real one, the one I show to people and then even a third possibly... one I wish I had.
I want a Friends life. You know like the TV show Friends with Ross and Rachel and Monica and Chandler and Joey and Phoebe. I love that show!! I just spent a lot of the past two days watching the whole of the third season. I could stop wishing my life was more like that. I need the trials and tribulations they have, the laughter and happiness, the friends who come over and you just hang out in the living room or kitchen living 30 minute episodes of a life together. I dont have it.

I need to move into an apartment downtown. Maybe that will help? I'll probably have to find all new friends, but sadly and selfishly I dont mind that. In fact I almost wish for it. When I come back from my trip ( I am taking a trip later this year) I think thats what I will do. I wonder if I should get a room mate? There are pro's and con's to having a room mate. I'll have to go through them later and see if the pro's out do the con's. At the moment I tend to side on the pro's of having a room mate as being a stronger arguement (and if Friends is any example, then I think a room mate will be great!)

Yeah, so I think this is enough for a first post. Hopefully over the next few I will be able to open up more and just blog in true blogger fashion.